


Stuck

by Akamaimom



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 22:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8942629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akamaimom/pseuds/Akamaimom
Summary: Jack's stuck. And kinda crabby about it. There's a cage involved, and a monkey-bird-dog thing that Daniel thinks is a porcupine, and Jack really has to pee. Humor, team fic. Written as a Secret Santa gift for an exchange on Gateworld. This is a departure from my norm, so I hope it works.





	

**_Stuck_ **

****

_Written as a Secret Santa gift for RodneyIsGodney. It was fun (albeit difficult!) to step out of my Shippy Bubble and write something on the non-romantic side of things._

_I hope I didn't fail miserably!_

_Merry Christmas, RodneyIsGodney! I hope you have a great holiday!_

 

 

 

He was stuck.

And not just a little stuck - he was stuck. Pinned. Anchored. Immobilized. 

Okay - well, maybe not _completely_ immobilized, but he certainly wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. 

Jack glared into the cage, straight into the eyes of his captor. It was a mammal - probably. Neither small nor large, it was about the size of a Cocker Spaniel. The critter had odd spiky multicolored feathers all over its back and silky gray hair everywhere else, except for around its face, which was fuzzy, like velvet, with a leathery nose and gigantic human-like eyes that seemed to be able to peer into Jack's soul. 

Instead of paws, the beast had hands. Like - people hands. Palms and fingers and opposable thumbs. Only, those fingers seemed to be made of steel - a grip similar to the bite-power of an alligator. Once the animal had taken hold of Jack's finger, it wouldn't let go, no matter how much Jack fought against the thing. He'd pulled and jerked and yanked and wriggled, but to no avail. All he'd ended up doing was hurting himself even more and making the beast angry. 

It was really the damndest predicament. 

Naturally, O'Neill hadn't known the beast's propensity for taking captives when he'd reached into the cage to pet the stupid thing. He'd always been a sucker for dogs, and while this thing was obviously not a dog, Jack had seen the cage and figured it to be someone's pet. And for a moment, the little creature had preened under the attention, closing his eyes and purring a little at Jack's touch. 

Until it had grasped Jack's finger and clamped on for dear life. 

By the Colonel's best estimate, he'd been held there for nearly two hours. Frowning, he glanced down at his wrist where his watch had been. Now, it was buried under the furry/fuzzy/feathery butt of the insane little devil glaring through the bars back at him. The creature had removed the watch so quickly that Jack had barely even noticed it happening. All he'd done was attempt to reach behind him and grab his gear. If he could reach his radio, he reasoned, then he could call for help. 

But he couldn't reach his radio, and none of his team had come to look for him, and now he was still stuck, and had lost his watch. And he really had to pee. 

"Seriously. Just let me go." Jack narrowed his eyes at the critter. "I don't have any idea what you want from me, but my finger is kind of attached to the rest of me. If you keep holding it, we'll be stuck like this forever." 

Those weirdly intelligent eyes blinked exactly twice, and then the animal rubbed its - cheek? muzzle? jaw? - against the exposed tip of Jack's finger. It cooed a little, then growled, its tail thumping against the floor of the cage as it took an experimental little sniff at Jack's skin. 

"Listen - I don't think you're trying to hurt me. But I've got stuff to do, and I really need to go find my team." 

It tilted its head to one side, squinting a little before clicking its tongue against its teeth and waggling its ears. If anything, its grip tightened. 

Jack let out an exasperated breath and then tugged again. The animal slowly closed one eye and tugged back. Swallowing an impressive string of curses, O'Neill gave in and simply allowed his hand to dangle from the creature's equally impressive grip. 

His knees hurt. Jack had started out standing, but the cage was only a few feet high - perched on an ornately carved stand that lifted it a few feet more. When he'd reached through the bars to touch the critter, he'd had to bend over a little. When it had become apparent that he wasn't getting his finger back, he'd tried crouching, but that had become excruciating after only a few minutes. Kneeling had been the only other option. Now, it felt as if his calves were on fire, and he could no longer guarantee that he had toes.

Releasing his clenched jaw, he tried for stern commanderishness. "Come on, you stupid dog bird monkey thing. Let go." 

The critter's face relaxed into an odd sort of smile, but then it bared its teeth. The result was disturbing. Like he was being flirted with by a feathered baby vampire.

"Eventually, you have to let go, right? You can't hold onto my finger forever." 

It clicked again, deep in its throat, raising its captured prize while simultaneously lowering its head. After a careful moment, it poked itself in the forehead with the tip of O'Neill's finger. _Boop_. And then the little turd did it again. _Boop_. 

And again. _Boop_. 

Each time, Jack's knuckles whacked against the bars of the cage. 

After the dozenth or so time, Jack bared his own teeth, summoning up a growl of his own. 

The little bastard laughed at him. Actually _laughed_. 

 _Boop_. 

Jack's fingers itched for his service sidearm, which, sadly, was just out of reach along with his radio and pack. All it would take was one round. Just one. One beautiful, efficient, smooth, shiny round. . . 

Groaning, Jack turned away from the smug little face gleaming on the other side of the bars. With an awkward - and somewhat painful - pivot, he ended up sitting with his back against the cage's foundation, his arm wrenched up and over his head. It was less painful than kneeling or crouching, but sooner or later, his arm was going to fall asleep. And his elbow was yanked in a weird direction. And his back itched - in every place that Jack couldn't reach. 

And he still had to pee.

He sighed heavily, covering his face with his free hand. What a cluster. 

Footsteps - approaching rapidly. Rather than the soft padding of the bare feet of the local population, these were heavier. Harder. Boots, then. But not too heavy - not Teal'c. The noise stopped with a whiff of dirt, and then came a voice. "Jack?" 

O'Neill sighed again. Naturally, the first person to find him would be Daniel.

"Jack?" More forcefully this time. He was using his 'doctor' voice. Condescension threaded with a touch of irritation. "What are you doing here? We're supposed to be at the negotiations." 

Peeking out from between his fingers, Jack glared up at his teammate. "I was trying to get there. I got stuck." 

"Stuck?" 

"Stuck." Rolling his eyes backwards, Jack lifted his hand and its captured finger, moving the critter's arm along with it. "Stuck." 

Jackson's eyes narrowed behind the lenses of his glasses. "Is it even worth asking how this happened?" 

"It grabbed me." Jack shrugged his free shoulder. "It won't let go." 

"It grabbed you and you’re stuck." 

"Yes, Daniel. It's a predicament. One not of my own choosing."

"So, how are you going to get free?" 

"How the hell should I know, Daniel?" Jack rested his captured arm on his head. At least his elbow shielded his face from the worst of the good Doctor's glare. "If I knew that, I'd have actually gotten free, wouldn't I?" 

Daniel frowned, his brows dipping below the rounded frames of his glasses. "I don't know about that. You kind of have a tendency to get into these scrapes so that you can avoid doing things that you don't want to do." 

Jack eyes flew wide. "Are you accusing me of doing this deliberately?" 

"Come on, Jack." Daniel tucked his chin towards his chest, his hands splayed at his sides. "You do it all the time." 

"I do not." 

"Yes, you do. 

"Do not." 

"Do so." 

Rolling his eyes, Jack hurled a quelling look at his teammate. "What are you, in third grade?" 

"Hey, I'm not the one with my finger stuck in a porcupine." 

"Porcu - " Jack wrenched his head around to look at the animal. Feathers. Weird feathers - but feathers. Some fur, and that disconcerting fuzzy face that peered back at Jack like some kind of funky velveteen monkey-man. Scrunching up his nose, he peered back up at Jackson. "There is nothing porcupineish about that animal." 

"It's spiky." 

"They're feathers." 

"They're spiky feathers." 

"Still - feathers." 

"But kind of spiky-spiny." Daniel wriggled his fingers a little in the direction of the cage. "They remind me the quills of a porcupine." 

"The quills of a - " Jack blew out an exasperated breath. "Incredible. You're blind as well as intolerable." 

"Oh, I don't know about that." Reaching down, Daniel lifted a leather pouch-like thing out from inside his overshirt. It was beaded and looked very impressive. "The Aschintataag seem to think I'm pretty tolerable." 

"What the hell is that thing?" 

"It's a symbol of my power, apparently. Loosely translated, it would be known as a 'bandolier bag' today. This is different than those found on Earth, though, and it’s worn around the neck rather than across one shoulder." 

"What's in it?" 

"Some sacred stones - obsidian and amber, from what I could tell - bundles of herbs, and some gold flakes. I'll have to wait until we get home to open it up and catalog it all. I can't really do it all right here because the contents aren't supposed to be seen by the unworthy among us." 

"And exactly who among _us_ is unworthy?" 

"Well, the _porcupine_ belongs in this village, and _I've_ just been accepted as a chief amongst my people, so I'm guessing that makes the unworthy one - well, it's probably - _you_." 

"Daniel." Jack sagged a little, shooting a sharp look up at his teammate from under his elbow. "See that pack over there? Reach into the top of it and get my weapon." 

"Which? The big one or the little one?" 

"The little one."

Turning, Daniel bent over and started rummaging through the canvas pack. After a few seconds, however, he stopped and straightened, angling a look back at the cage and Jack. "Why exactly do you want the gun? Don't tell me you're going to execute the porcupine." 

"No, Daniel." It took a Herculean effort to keep his tone moderate and easy, but he did it. "I'm not going to execute this stupid monkey-bird-man thing." 

"Then why do you need the gun?" 

"I'm going to execute _you_." 

Daniel took one large step away from the backpack, kicking the top shut with the toe of his boot. "Okay, then." 

"Dammit, Daniel." 

"I'm not going to let you kill that poor beast."

"Poor beast?" Jack's voice cracked - actually cracked. He cleared his throat and started again. "Poor beast? The little punk has been gripping my finger for the better part of three hours and shows no sign of letting go. He even took my watch. He's sitting on it as we speak." 

"He's a cute little critter." Throwing a hand towards the cage, Daniel shook his head a little, the lenses of his glasses glaring a little in the afternoon sunlight. "Really, what harm is he doing?" 

"He growled at me." 

"Yeah - you pretty much growl at everyone." A furrow formed above the bridge of Daniel's nose. "So, that's really an executable offense, is it? 

"He bit me."

"Hard?"

"Hard enough." 

"Did it hurt?" 

"What do you mean, 'did it hurt'? Of course it hurt!" 

"Did he draw blood?" 

Sarcasm surged through Jack's veins at that. "I don't know, Daniel. I can't see my finger because it's in the cage with the monkey-bird-man." He made the mistake of gesturing with his caught hand, and the critter chattered angrily as it was unceremoniously pulled into too-close proximity with the bars of the cage. 

Daniel's brow furrowed as he watched the animal settle down. "Well, perhaps if you wouldn't abuse it, it might let go." 

"It booped itself, Daniel. It booped itself with my finger over, and over, and over. Like I was a blow-up doll at a frat party. No matter what crappy stuff I've managed to do to this stupid-ass varmint, I don't deserve to be used like that." 

"Booped?"

"Yes - booped." 

"What exactly does 'booping' entail?" 

"It entails booping." Jack demonstrated with his free hand, index finger extended. He poked around in mid air as if he were a blind man trying to find the elevator buttons. "Like so." 

Daniel barely staunched an epic eye-roll. Stepping closer to the cage, he bent down and peered intently at the animal, coming within a nose's length of the ornate gilded bars. "I'm really not certain that poking itself with your finger is punishable by death. You seem to have survived to whine about it, at least." 

Looking up, Jack shook his head. "Daniel, you really don't want to get that close. It's a crafty little bastard. And quick as hell."

But Daniel was watching in fascination as the creature watched him back. "He's curious, isn't he?" 

Jack raised himself up just enough to look over his shoulder at the creature. It was still grasping Jack's right index finger in its right paw/hand/claws, but it had shifted its weight towards where Daniel hovered just over Jack's left shoulder. "Seriously, Daniel. Step away." 

But Daniel only leaned in closer, his face wracked with compassion and worry. "It's frightened. Maybe if we just show it some kindness. Make it feel comfortable. Make it - Holy crud!" 

Leaping backwards, Daniel stumbled a few steps before randomly slapping himself in the forehead. "It got my glasses!" 

Groaning anew, Jack sank down lower against the base of the cage, covering his eyes with his free palm. "Geez Louise, Daniel. You never listen. Whatever you do, don't - " 

But it was too late. Before he'd even finished his warning, Daniel's body had slammed into the cage, and the archaeologist was pushing furiously against the bars. 

Jack didn't even have to look to know that Daniel's finger was now caught just like his was. With a resigned sigh, he shook his head. "I really get tired of saying 'I told you so'." 

"Unbelievable." 

"No, it's totally believable." Jack peeked up at Daniel through a slit in his fingers. "I've been telling you. You just didn't listen to me." 

The bars of the cage rattled as Daniel tried to wriggle free. "Its grip is like a vise." 

"Good to know." 

"I think it's cutting off the circulation in my finger." 

"Imagine that." 

Daniel surrendered far more quickly than had Jack, and with an awkward little pivot and a bump or two against O'Neill, Jackson had arranged himself in much the same position as the Colonel - sitting, with his arm bent backwards over his head, his hand extended through the bars, his finger gripped within those of the odd porcupine-monkey-man-bird thing. 

It took nearly twenty minutes for Jack to be able to control his tone enough to speak. "Well, this is nice."

"I didn't mean to get caught." 

"Of course you didn't." 

"I was just reaching into the cage for my glasses." 

"It's sitting on them. Along with my watch and whatever other booty that demonic little wretch has collected from unsuspecting passers-by." 

"Why is it doing this to us?" 

"Maybe it's an intergalactic version of 'Pull My Finger'."

"So, what?" It was easier to see Daniel's eyes rolling when he wasn't wearing his glasses. "All we have to do to get free is fart?" 

"It's worth a shot." 

"I'm not sure I could summon it up without a little preparation." 

"Daniel. Friend." Jack sighed sadly. "If you can't fart at will, I hereby revoke your Man Card." 

"Not all real men are Cro-Magnon, Jack." 

Grinning, O'Neill nudged his friend with his elbow. "Nope. Just the best of us." 

Daniel's lip twisted upwards slightly in response. Heaving a sigh, he resettled himself in the dirt and dug in his heels for balance. After several long, terse moments, he sighed again. "This sucks." 

"It does." Jack stretched his legs out in front of him, crossing his ankles. "You want to know what really sucks?" 

"What?" 

"I was on my way to find the head when the little critter grabbed me." 

"I'm surprised that you just didn't go before I got here." 

"You're always telling me to be careful not to mess around with special stuff." Jack allowed his head to fall backwards, clunking on the base of the cage. "I didn't want to start an incident by peeing on their version of the Dalai Lama." 

"Good call." 

"Unless you're my bladder." 

"Yes. Your urinary tract is the true victim here." 

"Darn straight." 

There really wasn't anything else to say to that, and the two men fell into a subdued silence. 

Somehow, they'd missed the footsteps approaching from the far side of the cage. It wasn't until a shadow had fallen over them both that Jack looked up to see Teal'c looming over him. Carter stood at his side, her face practically swimming in questions. 

"Dare I even ask?" Apparently, it was the inquiry that had won the war in her head.

"We're stuck." That came from Daniel. The verbose one. 

Jack tilted his head in his compatriot's direction in a helpful sort of nod. "Yep. Stuck." 

"How?" 

"It got our fingers." Somehow, Daniel made it sound reasonable. "It won't let them go." 

"How?" 

"You've already asked that one, Carter." Jack pointed out helpfully. 

"Sir." Carter shifted her attention from her teammates to the cage, studying the creature within it as she made her way around the pair of men to stand near their feet. "I was asking how this happened." 

"To be honest, Carter, I'm not sure." Jack wiggled himself a little more upright, grimacing when his movements caused the animal to grip his finger just a little more tightly. "It's all kind of a blur."

"How are you supposed to get free?" Leaning in towards the cage, she glared at the critter, who hissed a little back at her. "And what kind of animal is it, anyway?" 

"It is a Rak'ka'lok. They are insidious beasts. The Jaffa view them as rodents that should be exterminated." Teal'c fingered the trigger of his staff weapon. "It would please me greatly to rid this planet of this particular specimen." 

"Hey, there, Teal'c. Hold your horses." Daniel raised his free palm towards the Jaffa. "We don't know if this particular animal is special in some way to these people. Killing it might damage our trade negotiations. We need the Naquadah that these people are mining." 

"He's right, Teal'c." Sam nodded. "We don't know if this one is a special pet or a ceremonial familiar or something like unto it. We don't want to kill it until we're sure." 

"The beast will not free your fingers while it is still alive. Once they grasp a hold on something, they will not release it until compelled to do so, or until they decide to do so."

"How do you make them decide to let go?" 

"You kill them." The corner of Teal'c's lip edged upwards slightly. "They are crafty, and so the sport can be an entertaining challenge." 

"We're not killing it, Teal'c." Jack thunked his head back against the cage again. "At least, not until we know where this little fuzzball fits into this village." 

"Hold that thought, Sir." Sam rose up on her tiptoes, gazing off into the distance. Sidestepping over Daniel's feet, she rounded the edge of the cage and started walking away. "Here come Shanto and the rest of the council. I'll explain what's happened, and maybe they can help." 

From where he sat, Jack couldn't see the approaching group, but Daniel craned his head around the edge of the cage and sighed. "This is going to be embarrassing."

  

\-------OOOOOOOO--------

 

"I still can't believe I never thought to offer it food." 

"In our defense, Jack, it had to be specific food." Daniel hovered over the DHD, pressing chevrons. "Apparently, that particular Rak'ka'lok will release its hold only in exchange for candy of some sort." 

"It looked like chunks of candied yam." Carter adjusted her pack on her shoulders, tightening the strap around her waist. "I think they served something similar at the meal they presented us before the negotiations. 

"That's why I didn't recognize it." Jack groaned, bending down to retie the lace of his boot. "I missed the meal." 

"Because you'd already been captured. We noticed you were gone after they'd presented us with their gifts." Reaching into the pocket of her BDU trousers, she withdrew a leather pouch nearly identical to the one that Daniel had been wearing. "Too bad, too. It looks like these amulets they gave us might actually be worth something." 

"They must have great cultural significance." Daniel glanced over towards Carter's gift - a little longingly, if truth be told. 

"No - I mean value. I'm pretty sure that the stone in mine is a diamond. It's a couple of carats, at least." Sam grinned at her friend. "I was a little shocked that they took yours back."

Jackson finished at the DHD and then moved over towards the team. "I was really looking forward to examining and researching it." 

The 'Gate started spinning, but Sam didn't look over at it. They'd seen it before. "Shanto told me that they couldn't really honor someone who was foolish enough to be caught by a Rak'ka'lok. Apparently, they use the critter to test the intelligence and cunning of people who come into their village." 

"My question is, how were we supposed to know what the stupid little thing was even for?" Straightening, O'Neill moved over closer to his team. "It looked like a pet. A pet bird-monkey-dog thing, yeah, but a pet." 

"Porcupine." Daniel shoved his glasses up on his nose. "It looked like a porcupine." 

"Monkey-bird-dog-man." 

"Porcupine."

"It appeared to be a Rak'ka'lok." Teal'c intoned. "And nothing else."

"Regardless." Carter raised a hand to shield her eyes from the sudden bright flash from the Kawhoosh as the 'Gate established the wormhole home. "The fact remains that Teal'c and I get to come back and finish the negotiations, and the two of you get to go home and explain to General Hammond why you can't." 

Jack sent a harsh look over at her smug little face. "You're laughing at us, aren't you?" 

Her eyes flashed as brilliantly as the glow of the activated 'Gate. "Only a little." 

"That's not terribly bright, Carter." He watched as Daniel and Teal'c started up the steps towards wormhole. "Laughing at your CO." 

She sighed at that, then shoved the bandolier bag she'd been fiddling with back down into her pocket. Stepping onto the first stone stair of the 'Gate platform, she turned back with a cheeky grin. "Maybe not. But it's brighter than poking everything you see." 

"I can't help it." Jack followed her up the stairs. "I'm an explorer." 

"You're a poker." 

"I'm inquisitive."

"You're nosy." 

"What's that?" He tried to sound all Colonel-y, but probably just ended up seeming puerile. 

She grinned again. "You're nosy, _Sir_."

"Am not." 

Her brows flew upwards in a dubious kind of look. She really didn't need to expound on that expression at all. 

Jack sighed - again. It was becoming a problem for him. "Anyway, let's go home." 

"Sounds good." Approaching the 'Gate, Carter paused just at the edge of the ring, reaching out to tug lightly on O'Neill's sleeve. "But Sir?" 

"Yeah, Carter?" 

There went that grin again. Humor with a good dose of outright mockery. "Just so you know - I'm never taking you to the Zoo."

 

 

 


End file.
